作文 批改难忘

作文内容：

Every one both has memory worth remembering,for me, it was something happening in middle school,the thing seems very small,but it makes me happy.because it let me learn that helping others is happy.

My school hold a activity of volunteer at the weekend,we came to the rest home,then we helped them wash clothes,clean the room .these activities have been ended,we begun to talk with those old people ,sing to them ,while i looked at the smiles on their face ,i also felt very happy.the thing has passed a lot of years,but i often recall it,because since the incident,i knew that i can harvest lots while helped others ,for example ,happiness,a good mood,a great experience.

Do you have anything to remember about it ,can you share with me ?

请按照作文类型以及评分标准对上面的作文进行打分，并指出不足

1)评分原则

本题总分为30分，按5个档次评分。

阅卷人应就总体印象给分，而不是按照语言错误的数量扣分。

评分时，先根据文章的内容要点、篇章结构和语言运用初步确定其所属的档次，然后依照该档次的具体要求酌情增减分数，最后给分应避免分数趋中现象，即不能只给中间档次的分数，该给高分时就应给高分(包含满分)，该给低分时就应给低分(包含0分)。

拼写和标点符号是语言准确性的一个方面。评分时，应视其对交际的影响程度予以考虑，英式、美式拼写及用法均可接受。

如书写较差难以辨认，以致影响交际，或字数明显少于要求，将分数降低一个档次

2)评分标准

第一档    25-30分：圆满完成了试题规定的任务

• 清楚地表达了全部内容要点。
• 运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务要求
• 语言运用较为准确、恰当
  

第二档    19-24分：完成了试题规定的任务

• 清楚地表达了全部或关键内容要点
• 运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务的基本要求
• 语言运用基本正确，虽有小错，但不影响理解
  

第三档    13-18分：基本完成了试题规定的任务

• 提及了关键内容要点(可能漏掉了个别内容)
• 运用的语法结构和词汇满足任务的最低要求
• 存在一些语言错误，但基本不影响理解
  

第四档    7-12分：完成了一部分试题规定的任务

• 遗漏或未能清楚表达内容要点
• 语法结构和词汇单调。
• 语言错误较多，部分错误影响理解
  

第五档1-6分：未完成试题规定的任务

• 明显遗漏内容要点
• 语法结构和词汇极单调
• 语言错误很多，严重影响理解
  

0分：所传达的信息或所用语言太少，无法评价；所写内容与题目要求完全无关

总体给予该作文第三档评分，即13-18分。

评语：
该作文较为清楚地表达了作者参与志愿活动并帮助老人的经历，同时也提到了自己从中获得的快乐和收获。然而，作文存在一些语言问题和结构上的不足。建议进行以下修改和改进：

1. 语言运用方面：作文中出现了一些拼写错误、标点符号使用不准确的情况，需要注意细节的准确性。另外，有些句子表达不够流畅，可以使用更恰当的词汇和句式来提升文章的表达能力。

2. 篇章结构方面：作文缺少一个明确的开头段落，介绍一下志愿活动的背景和目的。同时，文章结尾引出的问题没有得到回答，建议在文章中给出自己的答案或者提供一些思考。

3. 内容要点方面：虽然作者在作文中提到了一些参与志愿活动的具体内容，但是描述比较简单，并没有深入展开，缺少细节和感受的描写。可以举例说明自己是如何帮助老人洗衣服和打扫房间的，以及和老人交流的具体情境。

总体来说，该作文存在一些不足之处，但整体上能够传达出作者参与志愿活动的经历和从中获得的快乐。希望作者在后续的写作中能够更好地处理语言和结构问题，同时也能更加深入地描述自己的故事和感受。

请对作文有错的地方进行修改

冰冰 发表于 2023-10-24 17:07
请对作文有错的地方进行修改

Every one both has memories worth remembering. For me, there was something that happened in middle school. It may seem like a small thing, but it made me happy because it taught me that helping others brings happiness.

My school held a volunteer activity on the weekend where we visited a rest home. We helped the elderly by washing their clothes and cleaning their rooms. After completing these activities, we began to talk with the old people and even sang to them. As I looked at the smiles on their faces, I also felt a deep sense of happiness.

Although many years have passed since that incident, I often recall it. Since then, I have learned that while helping others, I can also gain many things, such as happiness, a good mood, and valuable experiences.

Do you have anything memorable to share with me? I would be glad to hear about your experiences too.

请问需要对文章进行哪些方面的修改？