作文批改

                                             Health And Wealth Relation

    Recently, more and more people are talking about the relation between health and wealth. From my perspective, it is undeniable that health is very important for people. The reasons why I believe so are listed below.

    The first point that I want to mention is that good health can bring wealth. When we have a healthy body, we can go to work and earn a lot of money. What's more, it is easy for us to understand that good health can bring happiness. When we get sick, we experience pain. So with a healthy body, we can also enjoy activities like travel.

    From what I mentioned above, we can easily come to the conclusion that health is very important. After all, we should regularly exercise and maintain a healthy body.

请按照作文类型以及评分标准对上面的作文进行打分，并指出不足

1)评分原则

本题总分为30分，按5个档次评分。

阅卷人应就总体印象给分，而不是按照语言错误的数量扣分。

评分时，先根据文章的内容要点、篇章结构和语言运用初步确定其所属的档次，然后依照该档次的具体要求酌情增减分数，最后给分应避免分数趋中现象，即不能只给中间档次的分数，该给高分时就应给高分(包含满分)，该给低分时就应给低分(包含0分)。

拼写和标点符号是语言准确性的一个方面。评分时，应视其对交际的影响程度予以考虑，英式、美式拼写及用法均可接受。

如书写较差难以辨认，以致影响交际，或字数明显少于要求，将分数降低一个档次

2)评分标准

第一档    25-30分：圆满完成了试题规定的任务

清楚地表达了全部内容要点。
运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务要求
语言运用较为准确、恰当

第二档    19-24分：完成了试题规定的任务

清楚地表达了全部或关键内容要点
运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务的基本要求
语言运用基本正确，虽有小错，但不影响理解

第三档    13-18分：基本完成了试题规定的任务

提及了关键内容要点(可能漏掉了个别内容)
运用的语法结构和词汇满足任务的最低要求
存在一些语言错误，但基本不影响理解

第四档    7-12分：完成了一部分试题规定的任务

遗漏或未能清楚表达内容要点
语法结构和词汇单调。
语言错误较多，部分错误影响理解

第五档1-6分：未完成试题规定的任务

明显遗漏内容要点
语法结构和词汇极单调
语言错误很多，严重影响理解

0分：所传达的信息或所用语言太少，无法评价；所写内容与题目要求完全无关

评分：第三档 13-18分

总体印象：
该作文从整体上看还算不错，能够明确表达出作者对健康与财富之间关系的观点。然而，在语言运用和文章结构上仍有些许不足之处。

问题与改进：
1. 组织结构：作文结构较为简单，缺乏适当的开头与结尾。建议在开篇陈述中提到健康与财富是广泛被人们讨论的话题，引起读者的兴趣；在结尾时，总结一下关于养生和保持健康的重要性。
2. 内容完整度：文中只涉及了健康对创造财富的影响，但未提及财富对健康的影响。可以考虑增加一个段落，介绍饮食、锻炼等方面对健康的积极作用。
3. 语言运用：作文中的语法错误较多，需要注意主谓一致、时态使用以及冠词的正确性等方面。另外，语言表达需要更加准确和恰当，可以适当地使用一些连接词来使句子更连贯流畅。

改进后的作文：

Health And Wealth Relation

Recently, there has been a growing discussion about the relationship between health and wealth. From my perspective, it is undeniable that health is extremely important for individuals. There are several reasons why I believe so.

To begin with, good health can bring about wealth. When we have a healthy body, we are able to go to work and earn money. Furthermore, it is easy to understand that good health can also bring happiness. When we fall sick, we experience pain and discomfort. Therefore, with a healthy body, we can enjoy various activities such as traveling and exploring new places.

In addition to the above point, it should be noted that wealth also plays a crucial role in maintaining good health. With sufficient financial resources, we can afford nutritious food, access to quality healthcare, and engage in regular exercise. All of these factors contribute to our overall well-being and help us to lead a healthy lifestyle.

In conclusion, it is evident that health and wealth are closely interconnected. While good health can lead to the acquisition of wealth, wealth, in turn, is essential for maintaining good health. Therefore, it is imperative that individuals prioritize both aspects in their lives. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and financial planning are key components to ensuring a healthy and prosperous life.

评语：改进后的作文在结构和内容完整度上有了明显的提升，同时语言运用也更为准确和恰当。需要继续努力提高语法和词汇的正确性，并注重使用适当的连接词来增加句子的连贯性。