作文批改

What is my dream?
My dream is to be a policeman. When I was a little boy, my mom always asked me what I wanted to be? At this time, I always said I wanted to be a policeman. Why?I believe every boy at a little time, most of them all wanted to be a policeman, Because we all believe police is the best job and policemen are all heroes.
Police can help people get peace environment to live in and help people resolve life problems. For example, Everyone has his or her own money. One of their money is stealedAt this time. He or she can call 110 then police can help him or her get back the money. And some older men or little kids get lost, police also help them find their home and safely go back.
So I believe being a policeman is my biggest dream. What should I do?I think I should study hard and pass the police exam. I believe I eventually will to be a policeman.




请按照作文类型以及评分标准对上面的作文进行打分，并指出不足

1)评分原则

本题总分为30分，按5个档次评分。

阅卷人应就总体印象给分，而不是按照语言错误的数量扣分。

评分时，先根据文章的内容要点、篇章结构和语言运用初步确定其所属的档次，然后依照该档次的具体要求酌情增减分数，最后给分应避免分数趋中现象，即不能只给中间档次的分数，该给高分时就应给高分(包含满分)，该给低分时就应给低分(包含0分)。

拼写和标点符号是语言准确性的一个方面。评分时，应视其对交际的影响程度予以考虑，英式、美式拼写及用法均可接受。

如书写较差难以辨认，以致影响交际，或字数明显少于要求，将分数降低一个档次

2)评分标准

第一档    25-30分：圆满完成了试题规定的任务

清楚地表达了全部内容要点。
运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务要求
语言运用较为准确、恰当

第二档    19-24分：完成了试题规定的任务

清楚地表达了全部或关键内容要点
运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务的基本要求
语言运用基本正确，虽有小错，但不影响理解

第三档    13-18分：基本完成了试题规定的任务

提及了关键内容要点(可能漏掉了个别内容)
运用的语法结构和词汇满足任务的最低要求
存在一些语言错误，但基本不影响理解

第四档    7-12分：完成了一部分试题规定的任务

遗漏或未能清楚表达内容要点
语法结构和词汇单调。
语言错误较多，部分错误影响理解

第五档1-6分：未完成试题规定的任务

明显遗漏内容要点
语法结构和词汇极单调
语言错误很多，严重影响理解

0分：所传达的信息或所用语言太少，无法评价；所写内容与题目要求完全无关

评分及修改建议：

这篇作文属于第三档，得分为15分。

内容方面，作者明确表达了自己的梦想是成为一名警察，并且给出了自己的理由。但是内容组织上存在一些问题，例如在第二段中提到小偷偷了他人的钱，但是在下文并没有详细说明警察是如何帮助找回失窃财物的。另外，文章的结尾过于简单，没有对实现梦想所需要的具体努力进行阐述。

语言运用方面，作者的表达基本能够满足任务要求，但存在一些语法错误和拼写错误。例如，在第一段中，"At this time"应改为"At that time"；"stealed"应改为"stolen"；"find their home"应改为"find their way home"等。

另外，在语句结构上，有些地方表达不够准确。例如，第一段最后一句中的"Because we all believe police is the best job and policemen are all heroes"可以改为"Because we all believe that being a police officer is a great job and policemen are our heroes."

为了提高作文质量，你可以：

1. 扩展和完善文章内容。可以具体描述警察如何帮助人们解决问题以及维护社会安全。考虑使用具体的例子来支持你的观点。

2. 结尾部分可以对实现梦想的努力进行更具体的描述。可以提及需要什么样的知识和技能，以及为了考取警察考试需要做哪些准备等。

3. 在写作过程中要注意语法和拼写的准确性。特别是动词的时态和单词的拼写。

希望对你有所帮助！加油！

王艳 发表于 2023-10-24 22:30
评分及修改建议：

这篇作文属于第三档，得分为15分。

请修改至第一档

流星 2310 发表于 2023-10-24 22:57
请修改至第一档

What is my dream? My dream is to become a policeman. Since I was a little boy, whenever my mom asked me what I wanted to be, my answer was always a policeman. Why? Because I believe that being a police officer is one of the best and most heroic professions. Policemen can create a peaceful environment for people to live in and help them solve various problems in life.

For example, if someone has their money stolen, they can call 110 for help and the police will assist in recovering the stolen money. Additionally, if elderly individuals or young children get lost, the police will help them find their way home safely. These are just a few examples of how policemen bring about safety and security in our society.

In order to pursue my dream of becoming a policeman, I know that I need to study hard and pass the police exam. I am determined to put in the effort required to achieve my goal. With perseverance and dedication, I believe that I will eventually fulfill my dream of becoming a police officer.

评分及修改建议：这篇作文属于第一档，得分为27分。作者在内容方面清晰地表达了自己的梦想，并给出了合理的理由和例子来支持。文章结构合理，逻辑清晰。语言运用上基本准确，句型多样化，词汇选择恰当。但仍存在一些小错误，比如将"steal"拼写为"stealed"，将"find their home"改为"find their way home"等。另外，可以尝试使用一些复杂的句式和更丰富的词汇来提升作文的质量。希望对你有所帮助！继续加油！