作文批改The Relationship between Health and Wealth

作文内容：
The Relationship between Health and Wealth
Recently, more and more people are talking about the relationship between health and wealth. From my prespective, it is totally undoubted that the relationship between health and wealth is closely. The reasons why I believe so are listed as below.
The first point that I want to mention is that health provides more financial freedom, and that is because when one is healthy, he can work efficiently and earn more money. What is more, it is easier for us to understand that wealth makes people have more choices and options in lift, and it is helpful for maintaining health.
From what I mention above, we can easily come to the conclusion that it is closely between health and wealth. After all, health provides more financial freedom and wealth makes people maintain health easily.

请按照作文类型以及评分标准对上面的作文进行打分，并指出不足

1)评分原则

本题总分为30分，按5个档次评分。

阅卷人应就总体印象给分，而不是按照语言错误的数量扣分。

评分时，先根据文章的内容要点、篇章结构和语言运用初步确定其所属的档次，然后依照该档次的具体要求酌情增减分数，最后给分应避免分数趋中现象，即不能只给中间档次的分数，该给高分时就应给高分(包含满分)，该给低分时就应给低分(包含0分)。

拼写和标点符号是语言准确性的一个方面。评分时，应视其对交际的影响程度予以考虑，英式、美式拼写及用法均可接受。

如书写较差难以辨认，以致影响交际，或字数明显少于要求，将分数降低一个档次

2)评分标准

第一档    25-30分：圆满完成了试题规定的任务

清楚地表达了全部内容要点。
运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务要求
语言运用较为准确、恰当

第二档    19-24分：完成了试题规定的任务

清楚地表达了全部或关键内容要点
运用的语法结构和词汇能满足任务的基本要求
语言运用基本正确，虽有小错，但不影响理解

第三档    13-18分：基本完成了试题规定的任务

提及了关键内容要点(可能漏掉了个别内容)
运用的语法结构和词汇满足任务的最低要求
存在一些语言错误，但基本不影响理解

第四档    7-12分：完成了一部分试题规定的任务

遗漏或未能清楚表达内容要点
语法结构和词汇单调。
语言错误较多，部分错误影响理解

第五档1-6分：未完成试题规定的任务

明显遗漏内容要点
语法结构和词汇极单调
语言错误很多，严重影响理解

0分：所传达的信息或所用语言太少，无法评价；所写内容与题目要求完全无关

评分结果：

总体印象：第三档，13-18分

评语：该作文主题为健康与财富之间的关系。作者在文章中提到了健康提供更多经济自由和财富使人们更容易保持健康这两个观点，但是表达上存在一些问题。比如，在“第一点”之后的内容未完整，导致读者不容易理解作者的意思。另外，文章中出现了一些语法错误，如重复使用了"and"这个连词。为了提高分数，作者可以更明确地表达观点，并提供例子或论证支持观点。

修改建议：
1. 重新组织论点的顺序，确保每个段落只表达一个主要观点，并在段首明确列出观点；
2. 注意使用连词时的合理性和准确性；
3. 提供更具体的论据和例子来支持观点；
4. 仔细检查语法错误和拼写错误。

改写后的作文示例：

The Relationship between Health and Wealth
Recently, the relationship between health and wealth has become a popular topic of discussion. From my perspective, there is no doubt that health and wealth are closely related. The reasons why I believe so are listed below.

First and foremost, good health provides individuals with more financial freedom. When one is healthy, they can work efficiently and earn more money. For example, a person who is in good health is less likely to take sick leave and can therefore maintain a stable income. In addition, being healthy enables individuals to seize more opportunities and make better financial decisions, ultimately leading to increased wealth.

Furthermore, it is easier to understand that wealth contributes to better health. With wealth, people have more choices and options in life. They can afford a balanced diet, regular exercise, and quality healthcare, all of which are essential for maintaining good health. Moreover, wealth also provides access to stress-free living environments and leisure activities that promote overall well-being.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that there is a close relationship between health and wealth. Good health provides individuals with more financial freedom, while wealth enables them to maintain and improve their health. Therefore, it is important to prioritize both health and wealth in order to live a fulfilling and prosperous life.